Permission to do a particular thing is to have the consent of someone in a position of authority. Granting permission allows us to explore opportunities, withholding permission serves to keep us safe, or others safe from us.
Who is this ‘someone’ in a position of authority?
As toddlers we readily defer to those older than us to grant or deny permission to help us to navigate our world aligned with the basic laws of physics, like gravity. We quickly learn that to do otherwise is to risk injury, pain, or loss of privileges. We trust that elders are invested in our safely, wellbeing and eventual independence.
As school-age children we experience complex power dynamics with peers and/or siblings. The unwritten and transient nature of ‘the rules’ favours slightly older children who have more developed social and cognitive understanding, some will nurture younger children, others bully. The youngsters experience uncertainty and ambiguity around permission.
Religious teachers proclaim morality and servitude to a higher authority using sacred texts to specify what behaviour is expected. Failure to live in accordance with those religious principles is said to have dire consequences for our souls, community or people. Only those who are faithful will receive salvation.
Societal norms are the informal rules and expectations that guide how people behave in a society or culture. Examples include keeping your word, paying taxes and, respecting elders. Adopting societal norms enables us to be welcomed into a community of like-minded others, we fit in. To express ourselves outside of those societal norms is to risk judgement, exclusion or other punishment. Where there are multi-cultural influences, the societal norms are less clear and navigating them more complex. And societal norms change over time; consider the impact of the #MeToo campaign in establishing new norms upheld with the threat of ‘cancel culture’ for those behaving in a way that is no longer tolerated.
Governments express authority, in part, through laws, standards and distribution of state funds. These tools express the values, priorities and moral framework the government believes will contribute to a flourishing society. Individuals can use their initiative, creativity and enterprise to live a life they choose within the bounds of the legal framework; breaking the law typically results in a punishment, which can include imprisonment, the ultimate revocation of permission. Individuals are required to uphold the laws and standards of the country they are in, which might be quite different from laws in their country of origin, or nationality. Examples include driving on the left, or right; being in a same-sex marriage, or the death penalty.
Employers and employees enter into contracted agreements about levels of delegated authority and behaviour expectations in pursuit of marshalling the efforts of many towards a strategic organisational outcome. Disciplinary and corrective procedures ensure that unwanted behaviour is kept in check, a failure to comply results in contract termination and consequent loss of earnings.
Regardless of the source, permissions expressed in general, or towards us directly, have a way of seeping into our subconscious and directing our everyday decisions and actions through internal censorship of our choices. Sometimes the voice of authority is heard in the present, at other times the ‘voice in our head’ is an echo of our past that has become so familiar we believe it to be our own inner voice, but is it?
Am I allowed… to rest, to put myself first, to fail, to wear this, do this, feel this, say this, enjoy that, ask for help, do it myself, be imperfect, be playful, wear a bikini, at my age!? The voices in our head, and their implied judgement, can be relentless.
However, the best part of being an adult, and frankly the only thing that makes up for all the adulting responsibilities, is the opportunity to make our own rules. As adults, we can develop our self-awareness and question whether our internalised permissions are supportive of a life well-lived, in tune with our unique nature. At any moment we can consciously ask ourselves ‘am I allowed?’ and pay attention to the echoes of our past programming so that we can observe, evaluate and, if necessary, overwrite the programme. In doing so we honour the past whilst only carrying forward the self-imposed limits that serve us well today.
Perceived lack of permission is a ready excuse to remain safe, snuggled into our comfort zone, the existence that is familiar to us, often within the bounds of social norms and the modest expectations we have of the life we believe we deserve. When we fit in, we feel protected from the formal or informal consequences of difference. Some simply avoid introspection for fear of touching an internal dissatisfaction that may lead to conflict with others.
Acting on our own authority there is always the possibility of yes or no, the balance lies in measuring the realistic consequences of that decision against the reward of satisfying our own sense of self. In reclaiming our agency, we inherently do the work of defining our own morals, boundaries and character and, if required, expressing those to others so that they might better understand our intentions, decisions and actions.
To decide that we, as individuals, are the ultimate authority in our own lives is both exciting and uncertain. It takes honesty to name our desires. It takes courage to live authentically, to show our points of difference, to risk success or failure on our own terms, to walk the tightrope between individuality and belonging. It takes resilience to live with the resistance long enough for a state of flow to become your new normal. And if you make a wrong turn, give yourself permission to fail, learn, rethink and go again.
I believe that everyone’s life could be enriched through their own investigation of permission. Even if it leads to no change, it is affirming to know that you are living by design, not by default.
As you consider the life you desire, ask yourself: Am I allowed?
The British are famous for their eccentric characters… what are you waiting for? Oh yes, you.
