Before I danced, I hoped for and sought connection in conversations, intellectual, political, philosophical, artistic. I pursued this dream through a PhD and into a job in a department full of other people with PhDs who had studied things I found interesting. After a few months of conversation, I started to avoid them. Instead of connection I found bluffing, bragging, evasion, and any number of other boring behaviors that took us away from, rather than toward the topic of the conversation.

What a disappointment. I had come all this way to discover that ego was more important than ideas. Utterly alienated from my peers. I felt some solace with students who at least were excited, if not yet expert.

Dancing saved me. It gave me the sensation of connection with people, who didn’t have to be educated, expert, or articulate.

I continued to avoid conversations. Some people realized who I was and implored me to discuss intellectual and political topics. I felt the blood draining out of me and demurred.

I realized people thought I was uneducated, even unintelligent. This was annoying but I did not have the will to prove myself if it meant stepping into that smooth, empty chamber of alienation.

Better to talk about food. Everyone can appreciate and talk about food. And I can run away to the kitchen and then bring beautiful things to them and make them happy and feel good about it. Much better than a conversation.

When I was researching my dissertation, one of my faculty very kindly explained to me that no one –including the people judging my work– would know more about it than me. He wanted me to be confident in my analysis and conclusions. The consequences were lonely. The more sophisticated the work or talent in any field, the fewer people you have to play with. Dancing was fun when I was a beginner and enjoyed dancing with nearly everyone who asked. Now I enjoy only a handful of dancers each year.

Eventually I discovered that the only place I am whole intellectually is in my writing. And I am grateful for that.

With people, I study each relationship for its point of connection and nourish it. And I am grateful for it and don’t expect more.